Heroes of the Dynasty
by Gongsun Du
Summary: Relive the greatest battles of the Three Kingdoms era in this hilarious innuendo-ridden parody of the Dynasty Warriors saga. Rate T for totties.
1. The Yellow Tarded Rebellion

**A/N: My humorous take on the epic Dynasty Warriors saga. Depending on the reviews I may or may not expand. Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Luoyang, Capital of the Han Dynasty<strong>

Cao Cao, styled Mengde, Prime Minister of Han, and de facto ruler of the North sat resplendently at his desk in the palace. Things were quiet on that late summer day and a soft breeze gently blew through the open windows creating an aura of serene harmony. As the wind brushed against his aged features, Cao Cao found his mind drifting to the past. To the beginning of it all.

He sighed, the world had changed much in his lifetime. Indeed he had been the architect behind the many upheavals that rocked China to this very day, but it all seemed so pointless now for he had failed to unify the Middle Kingdom. Liu Bei and Sun Quan still opposed him, not to mention the ever present thorn in his side–Ma Chao–and the rest of the people of Liang and Lanzhou that were always plotting rebellion. If he was a younger man then perhaps he could crush them, but not now. Now he was an old man waiting for death. He sighed once more.

One of the servant girls at his side nestled closer to him and he playfully squeezed her bosom. She yelped and the other girls giggled. Alas even they could not arouse the Hero of Chaos–not now at any rate. No, Cao Cao was too caught up in the past, as old men often are. Whilst the warm summer air lulled him to sleep he felt his mind drifting once again. Back to when it all began…

**Yellow Turban Rebellion**

The battle had raged for nearly ten minutes and already the enemy soldiers seemed sluggish and unresponsive, not unlike those of the Coalition Forces. But they barely mattered at all. No, as always it seemed that all the fighting, all the decisive action was left up to the heroes and the occasional Base Captain.

"Son of a birch!" screamed Xiahou Yuan as he slaughtered yet another captain. The surrounding troops immediately fled but he pursued them and cut them down one by one. "Stick face!Mother plucker! Frickin eyehole! Clock sucking oar!"

"Jeez, where do they find these guys anyway?" wondered a Coalition soldier.

"I dunno, but you should have heard him before he went through therapy." said another.

"Look at him go. I'm sure glad he's on our side."

"Not like it matters." said the other soldier, "We barely do anything anyway. As far as I'm concerned this is an easy way to make a–" The soldier was silenced as a spear impaled him from behind.

"The enemy commander is mine!" shouted Zhang Liang, tossing the soldier into a huge pile behind him that magically disappeared within seconds.

"Not like we were gonna help anyway." muttered a Yellow Turban.

"Who dares challenge Xiahou Yuan?" growled the burly warrior.

"It is I, Zhang Liang, mighty warrior of the Yellow Turbans!"

"Hey that's offensive!" shouted one of his soldiers.

"Yeah, just cause we're Chinese doesn't mean we're all yellow."

"Ugh…" Liang slapped his forehead, "I swear I would slaughter you all if only my spear wasn't friendly-kill proof!"

"Well then, shall we begin?" Xiahou Yuan strung his bow with a smile.

"You bet your %&$# we will."

"You…said a bad word!" Yuan's eyes glowed red. "My therapist told me not to use that kind of language! Now you're dead!"

The two ran at eachother at breakneck speed. Xiahou Yuan loosed an arrow and struck Liang straight in the chest. To his surprise the arrow magically disappeared and the warrior continued to charge at him virtually unaffected. Switching to his sword at the nick of time, Yuan quickly parried what would have been a fatal blow and proceeded to spam Liang with nonstop quick attacks mixed with the occasional combo.

Once more to his surprise, and chagrin, Liang successfully blocked every attack–without even moving his spear. Jumping back to avoid a counterattack, Yuan thought: "Damn this guy is good."

"Rawrrr!" to Yuan's dismay Liang began to glow with a redish orange hue. Before he knew what was happening Yuan found himself flying through the air. Rright before he crashed to the ground he muttered.

"Oh shitake…"

Standing back up after a few seconds of recuperation, Yuan felt the damage to his health. Although nothing was bleeding, and he could still fight as good as always, there was no mistaking the blinking light in his eyes.

"This one will finish you off for sure!" scream Liang as he charged at him.

There was no time to lose. Yuan grabbed his sword and quickly ran for the Yellow Turban soldiers. Slicing his way through the crowd he felt the energy building up inside him.

"Just a little more. Almost there."He continued to K.O. every soldier that crossed his path, at last he felt himself reaching the brink. "Almost. Almost. Oh man. Oh man. Almost. Oh yeah. Oh yea! **FUDGE YEA!**"

The musou erupted out of him, breaking through, and spilling all around him. For a moment his vision was blurred and his body moved of its own accord. He felt his blade making contact numerous times but he had almost no control over it. The feeling was exactly as he remembered it–extraordinary. It was a while since he last used it and the feel of such a release was almost overwhelming.

When his vision finally cleared and his blade stopped slashing he saw Zhang Liang lying face down on the ground. Within a few moments he vanished and Xiahou Yuan felt himself filled with a new urge. An inescapable desire to say,

"I have defeated an officer!" he ejaculated. His loud booming voice was seemingly carried by the wind to Cao Cao's camp, where the Hero of Chaos observed the battle with stolid scrutiny.

"Your skills are without equal!" muttered Cao Cao.

"Thanks!" shouted Yuan.

'How the hell did he hear me…' wondered Cao Cao, knowing that his momentary outburst was probably greatly exaggerated.

"My lord, we have taken the enemy supply camp." announced a Captain.

"Huh, what? You can talk?" Cao Cao scratched his head. The Captain did not respond and remained motionless.

"Ugh, ever mind…" he returned his gaze to the battle.

"I have defeated an officer!" announced Xiahou Dun, the sunlight twinkling in his left eye.

'One of these days he's gonna lose that twinkle...' thought Cao Cao wryly. Suddenly a commotion behind him caught his attention.

"I have come for your head!" screamed Zhang Man Cheng.

"You and what army?" asked Cao Cao.

"Only the pathetically sluggish Yellow Turbans, armed with pitchforks and large mallets!"

"Of course…"

Five minutes later Cao Cao stood unfazed near the seemingly dead body of Zhang Man Cheng.

"My ambition cannot be stopped!" he announced to no one in particular. As the corpse of the enemy general magically disappeared a disembodied voice shouted.

"I shall return. Remember that, for yours is that first head that I shall seek!"

"Blah blah blah." Cao Cao waved his hand imperiously, "Be my guest. I'll kill you all over again. And again…unless I somehow manage to capture you. In which event I'll still probably kill you. You hear that Zhiang Jiao?"

"Bite me!" came the reply.

"My Lord, the enemy general has summoned a powerful wind." said the Captain all of a sudden.

"Not you again…"

"There seems to be a pass on the other side of the mountain."

"Why are you telling me all this? And how the hell do you even…" The captain was motionless once more. Cao Cao scratched his head, damn soldiers and their uselessness.

"I must retreat, for now!" announced Xiahou Yuan and promptly disappeared.

"What? Get your ass back here or so help me–" Cao Cao was interrupted as Xiahou Dun announced in the same tone.

"Forgive me, I must retreat, for now!"

"Damn worthless sons of…I can't even depend on the officers nowadays. Not to mention you soldiers." He glared at the captain who remained motionless like a statue. "I swear if I could kill you…"

He walked over to his horse. After several failed jumps he at last managed to mount it and rode off towards the mountain. As he galloped towards the enemy main camp he trampled, slashed, and otherwise destroyed any and every enemy soldier that crossed his path. By the time he outmaneuvered the winds, dodged the boulders, slew two more meaningless Yellow Turban officers, and captured another base, his kill count was in the hundreds. It was so high, in fact, that he had lost track until…

"You are a true hero of the Three Kingdoms!" announced Xiahou Dun. His tone of praise meant that Cao Cao had killed 500 men.

'But what the devil are the Three Kingdoms?' he wondered. 'Bah, atleast I showed those fools. If you want something done, do it yourself!"

"Oh! Your bravery is an _inspiration_!" lauded Xiahou Yuan.

"Damn that's messed up…" said a Coalition soldier, leaning lethargically on his spear.

"What do you mean?" asked Xiahou Yuan from purgatory.

"I mean, the guy just killed 500 people and you're praising him? The man's a mass murderer. Think of all the children who just lost their fathers. Or all the wives that just lost their husbands. Death is nothing to celebrate."

'Pfft, pansy.' Thought Xiahou Yuan.

Cao Cao at last reached the main camp. Dismounting his horse he made his way up a mysterious altar where Zhang Jiao, the leader of the Yellow Turbans stood in prayer.

"Get down from there you hippie!" shouted Cao Cao. "Go smoke your bong somewhere else. I hereby claim this land in the name of the Han Dynasty…and secretly Cao Wei–whatever that may someday be."

Zhang Jiao got up from the hazy altar, coughed profusely. His glazed eyes looked at Cao Cao then to his men who sluggishly surrounded the Hero of Chaos from all sides but failed to press their advantage. Staggering to the edge he began his carefully prepared rant.

"Will the land never know the magnificence of the Yellow Turbans? Heavens grant me strength! The gods require a sacrifice! I propose we offer them the enemy…This is a test of our dedication! Brothers, we must maintain a steady defense. The time is not yet right! We must wait for the others. Do not be hasty! Follow my teachings and stay within our flock! Oh! Such valor can only be the will of the gods! May they grant me the same strength! Your deeds cannot be forgiven! Face heaven's will! Your death shall further the cause of the Yellow Turbans!"

"Da fuck did you just say?" Cao Cao scratched his head.

"I dunno man. I just don't know." said Zhang Jiao, before sitting on the steps of the altar.

"Well allow me to clear your mind." Cao Cao released the musou he had kept within him since the beginning of the battle. Letting the torrents burst from his body and flood the enemies before him. Covering them and drowning them in his righteous sticky fury. When at last the rampage stopped Zhang Jiao lay a crumpled mess at the altar.

"The Yellow Turbans have fallen..." he muttered, before dying and disappearing.

The remaining rebels fled into the massive exits. Cao Cao chased after them but could not get past the large wooden gate posts. Munching down on a steamed pork bun that had magically appeared after Jiao's death, Cao Cao relished his first great victory. Suddenly he felt his body teleported to the center of the battleground where he began to perform a triumphant break-dance with his sword. Ah, victory was sweet indeed…

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><p><strong>Review!<strong>


	2. Who Now Gay?

**A/N: I'm happy that the first chapter was so well received. I hope the second is just as enjoyable. Now, on to the next battle.**

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><p><strong>Battle of Hu Lao Gate<strong>

The end of the Yellow Turban Rebellion brought brief peace to the land, but the wounds inflicted on the Han were too great to heal. The warlord Dong Zhuo took advantage of the chaos brought about by the ten eunuchs and seized power in the capital. With his formidable army, hardened by many battles on the Northern frontiers, and the indomitable warrior Lu Bu, he had the capital of Luoyang in a vice. Deposing the rightful heir, he installed Emperor Xian as a puppet ruler, holding all the true power himself. This did not bode over well with the other warlords and soon a coalition was formed to remove the tyrant from power. Alas, the coalition that should have worked well in theory was in reality a disaster…

"I am going to lead the vanguard!" announced Sun Jian.

"Over my dead body!" growled Yuan Shu.

"Hey, you want a piece of this?" Sun Jian towered over the smaller man.

"Would both of you settle down! We haven't even decided on a battle strategy yet." Yuan Shao gave both of them death stares.

"Hey who died and made you Chancellor?" someone called out.

"Yeah, when was the last time you won a battle?" screamed someone else.

"Nice goatee, asswhipe!"

"You suck!"

"Shutupppp!" Wen Chou slammed his spear on the ground and the commotion died down instantly.

"Thank you, Wen Chou." Yuan Shao breathed a sigh of relief.

"No prob."

"Now then, have all the Generals been assembled?" he continued.

"No, we're still waiting on Cao Cao." said Gongsun Zan, leaning lazily on his arm.

"What?" Yuan Shao's face filled with rage, "Where's that bastard anyway? Fetch him immediately!"

At the edge of the camp, Cao Cao marched along the well trodden path inspecting his troops. His was the smallest of all the armies. Not that it mattered. Soldiers barely did anything anyway. Still, as a General it was his duty to make sure they were ready for battle.

"Ping!" he called out, glaring at a disheveled soldier. "You're a disgrace, private! Your face is so blurry I can barely make out your eyes. Clean yourself up!"

"I'm not Ping, I'm Pong, sir." The soldier said nervously.

"I'm Ping, sir." A man two lines down called out.

"Ping, Pong, Jing, Jong, you all look the same to me!" barked Cao Cao.

"Someone call for Jong?" A third soldier tilted his head.

"No, I think he said Jing." said the man next to him.

"Forget it! From now on no more names. You're all going to be called private!"

"But I'm a lieutenant!" cried Ping.

"Argh! Fine, the officers will be called by their ranks."

"What about the Guard Captains?" asked a soldier with a shield.

Cao Cao ignored him and moved on. Soldiers were always a pain in the ass, especially the ones who could talk. The statue ones, Cao Cao didn't mind, they were usually the first to die. He didn't bother getting attached.

"Lord Cao Cao!" a soldier rushed up to him.

"What is it?"

"Yuan Shao summons you to his war council."

"Very well."

The "war council" was a complete mess by the time Cao Cao arrived. He had sent soldiers to wake up his officers and had rushed to the meeting by himself. The sight that greeted him was unexpected…

Sun Jian had Yuan Shu bent over his knee and was spanking him with the flat of his sword. "Never! Insult! My! Mother!"

"Ahhh! Someone help me!" screamed Yuan Shu, but the others were also preoccupied.

"I'm telling you a head on attack is retarded!" screamed Gongsun Zan.

"Oh and I suppose we should just pile into a large wooden horse, drive it up to the gate, and have them take us inside?" parried Yuan Shao.

"I propose we blow it up!" suggested Tao Qian.

"Tao, that's your answer for everything…" sighed Liu Bei.

"I propose we blow it up!" said Tao Qian in the same tone.

"What's wrong with him?" asked Cao Cao, his eyes wide at the sight before him.

Zhang Fei rubbed his temples, "What isn't wrong with him?"

"Alright ladies, enough squabbling!" announced Cao Cao. "Let's get to work!"

Everyone sat at the council table as if nothing had happened. With the exception of Yuan Shu who was busy rubbing his bottom.

Cao Cao resumed, "Now, Hu Lao gate is an impenetrable fortress. Guarded by more men then there are at the opening of a new bawdyhouse, led by the greatest warrior in all of china. Any suggestions?"

"I propose we blow it up!"

"That's nice Tao," said Cao Cao. "Any other suggestions?"

"I recommend we send a small force to scout the perimeter and determine the enemy's positions. I volunteer to lead!" said Sun Jian with a smile.

"Very well, let's try that." ordered Yuan Shao.

Sun Jian's soldiers didn't get far before a massive army blocked their path. At the head of the force rode a massive warrior atop an equally massive steed. The warrior galloped forward and pointed his monstrous halberd at Sun Jian.

"Who goes there?"

"I am Sun Jian, Tiger of Jiangdong and General of the Coalition Army, and who may you be, elephant man?"

The warrior smirked, "I am the man with no name…Lu Bu! I'm also ridiculously overpowered in this battle so good luck trying to kill me!"

Sun Jian tried to appear serious but finally burst out laughing. "Pffft! Hahahaha! Lu Boobies? Hahaha! Did you make that name up?"

"No!" his face reddened. "My mother gave me that name!"

"Hahaha! I would hope so. If my father gave me a name like that, I'd die."

Lu Bu's eyes burned with rage. "That can be arranged…"

_Back at Coalition Headquarters…_

"Sun Jian sure has been gone a long time." Cao Cao wondered aloud.

"Yeah, I wonder what happened to him." said Yuan Shao.

"I propose we blow it up!"

"Someone burp him and put him to sleep already!" screamed Cao Cao.

Guan Yu patted Zhang Fei on the shoulder, much to his chagrin. "Ugh, I'm on it." he muttered.

Suddenly a voice that sounded like Sun Jian's announced: "I must retreat for now!"

"Damn, so much for that plan. Any other bright ideas?" asked Yuan Shao.

Cao Cao stood up, "It's clear that we have to launch a full offensive on Hu Lao gate!" Unfortunately due to a slip of the tongue, gate came out sounding like "gay".

"Who is this Hu Lao and why haven't we met?" called a flamboyant voice. Zhang He stood at the edge of the council tent in his finest purple outfit.

"Oh god, not him." muttered Gongsun Zan, burying his face in his hand. A murmur went through the crowd of officers.

"What's he doing here?"

"Weirdo!"

"My nipples still hurt from last time!"

"Ooh, have I _come_ at a _bad_ time?" asked Zhang He, folding his arms.

"Shutup everyone! This is a military meeting for god's sake!" bellowed Cao Cao.

Seeing Cao Cao, Zhang He rushed over to him and embraced him from behind and whispered in his ear, "You summoned me, my lorrrrrd?"

"Yes, I need you to batter down the enemy gate." said Cao Cao, nervously.

Zhang He blushed. "Not with all these people watching…"

"Wait, what?" Cao Cao reddened. "That's not what I meant!"

"Aww, is Su Su upset?" Zhang He pouted.

"It's Cao Cao!"

Yuan Shao laughed, "Do you two need some alone time, Su Su?"

Cao Cao fought out of Zhang He's embrace and glared at Yuan Shao. "Don't make fun of me, or I'll have my mustache eat your beard!"

"No, not Meili!" Yuan Shao cradled his beard defensively.

"Now, on to business. We will launch a massive coordinated assault. Zhang He, you'll take the vanguard and secure Hu Lao gate."

"My pleasurrrre." Purred Zhang He, and ran to his force.

Cao Cao continued, "I will lead my troops and Tao Qian's army to capture the Central Watchpost. Liu Bei and his sworn brothers will accompany me."

"All right, finally some action!" said Guan Yu.

"But what do we do with him?" asked Zhang Fei, rocking Tao Qian to sleep.

"Ugh, just put him on the carpet and let him sleep." said Liu Bei.

"Finally, Gongsun Zan and the rest of you jokers will advance on their supply bases and the Northeastern Watchpost. After the objectives are captured we regroup with Zhang He at Hu Lao gate. Any questions?"

"Yeah." Tao Qian sat up, "When do we blow it up?"

_Hu Lao Gate_

Zhang He's force was making excellent time. They had defeated a wave of soldiers and had managed to capture a tiny guard base. Despite the sluggishness of his soldiers and their short lifespan, Zhang He had great confidence in his mission.

"Did you know my cousin's name is Hu Lao?" asked one of the soldiers.

"Mmm, that's nice, hun." said Zhang He. Suddenly his vision darkened for a moment and he realized all too late they had walked into an ambush.

"Well well well, if it isn't the Coalition Army." Lu Bu towered over them and with a swing of his massive halberd killed five soldiers. He continued on his bloody rampage, decimating the rest of the unit.

Zhang He's eyes sparkled at the carnage. "What a marvelous display!" he exclaimed.

Seeing that Zhang He was the only one who remained Lu Bu charge at him screaming, "I'll kill you with my Sky Piercer!"

Zhang He blushed, "I looove big men with _big_ weapons."

Lu Bu stopped in his tracks, reddening. 'I don't think he's talking about fighting.' He thought, aghast.

"Come here big boy!" Zhang He brandished his iron claw. "Me-oww!"

"What the–"

"Come on let's do this. Rawr Rawr!" Zhang He scratched at the air with his claw.

"I am so out of here." Lu Bu jumped on his Red Hare and galloped away.

"No wait, come back!" Zhang He sighed, "Why must they always run away?"

Meanwhile, the Coalition forces had captured all their objectives and began to march towards the gate. Seeing Lu Bu galloping away from Zhang He, Cao Cao gave chase.

"I challenge you!" he screamed, slashing at him with his sword. Lu Bu shrugged off the blows, the damage to his health miniscule.

"Piss off, Cao Cao!" sneered Lu Bu and rode onwards.

"Testicle Sauce!" cursed Cao Cao.

"Don't worry Cao Cao, I'll help out!" Zhang Fei cut off Lu Bu's retreat. "No more changing diapers for me. Zhang Fei is about to prove his worth!"

"Out of my way, bitch!" Lu Bu jumped off his horse and began a murderous combo attack that k.o'd Zhang Fei in three seconds.

"Can anyone provide me with a decent challenge?" he roared.

"Oh fuck, Guan Yu." gasped Liu Bei, "Without Zhang Fei, how can we triple team Lu Bu?"

"I have a suggestion." said Cao Cao, "But I'm not gonna like it…"

Lu Bu began to mount his horse when Liu Bei and Zhang Fei attacked him from the side, sending him flying. Jumping back on his feet in moments, and glowing red with rage, he began a new murderous combo aimed at Liu Bei. Guan Yu stepped in with a timely musou attack that threw Lu Bu back on the ground.

"So this is the greatest warrior in all of China?" Liu Bei shook his head.

"More like the dumbest warrior in all of China." said Guan Yu with a laugh.

"Got that right, bro! Derp derp derp!"

"Ahhh! I'll kill you all!" Lu Bu jumped to his feet.

Just at that moment Cao Cao attacked from behind, running him over with his horse. Dismounting quickly, he launched a built up musou attack.

"Take this and that! And this! And that! And this and that and this and that and some of this and that and fucking son of a fucking bitch! Fucking take that! Take it! Take it! Take ittttt–"

"Cao Cao, relax! He's k.o.'d!" yelled Liu Bei.

"Huh, what?" Cao Cao panted, continuing to swing at the air before suddenly ejaculating, "My ambition cannot be stopped!"

"See. He's been defeated. You won." Liu Bei smiled.

"Heh, I guess we did it. Did he take it?" Cao Cao panted.

"He sure did." said Guan Yu.

"Hey, we make a pretty good team. I'm sure we'll be great friends from here on out. Say, you want to be sworn brothers Cao Cao?" asked Liu Bei.

"But there's three of us already!" exclaimed Guan Yu.

"And I'm not comfortable with being the brother of a man with identical first and last names!" voiced Zhang Fei from purgatory.

"You guys!" Liu Bei frowned. "We're a big family. There's always room for one more."

Cao Cao scratched his head, thinking to himself, 'Weirdos.'

"Oh boys!" came the lilting voice of Zhang He. "The gate is _wide_ open." He added in a whisper. "Just like me."

"Wait that means…" Cao Cao was silenced as he and every other officer disappeared and Zhang He was left dancing in the center of the battlefield, swinging his iron claw with jubilation.

"Yippee, I won. Cosmos all around!"

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><p><strong>Reviews are greatly appreciated, so please review!<strong>


	3. Xia Pi and Zuo Ci

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews people! I feel really inspired. Hope this chapter is just as enjoyable.**

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><p><strong>Battle of Xia Pi<strong>

Despite the victory at Hu Lao Gate, the Coalition failed to press its advantage, thereby allowing Dong Zhuo and his army to escape. In the resulting retreat the capital of Luoyang was razed to the ground and Dong Zhuo holed himself up in his new capital of Chang An and blocked off all passes, content to let his enemies fight for the rest. Soon the warlords of the Coalition were indeed fighting. Gongsun Zan and Yuan Shao in the north. Sun Jian, who had found the Imperial Seal, launched a campaign against his mortal enemy Liu Biao in the South. And Cao Cao, fed up with the senile old bag that was Tao Qian, whom he blamed for his father's death, launched a massive attack on Xu province. Yes, everything seemed to be going well for the tyrant Dong Zhuo.

However, in his arrogance, Dong Zhuo believed himself invincible, and therein lay his undoing. Through the machinations of Wang Yun, the beautiful Diao Chan used her feminine wiles to pit Lu Bu against his foster father. Soon she had both men wrapped around her finger. Under her influence, Lu Bu slew Dong Zhuo and brought about the end of the Han Dynasty. Forced out of the city by Li Jue, Lu Bu began his own conquests and soon made many enemies…

"Attack!" A new wave of soldiers rushed at the walls of Xia Pi and stopped when they reached the gate. The enemy Guard Captain simply stood there watching the enemy, not wanting to leave the vicinity of the gate. The soldiers sluggishly advanced and an incredibly slow battle began.

"This is hopeless." muttered Liu Bei.

"You're telling me." said Cao Cao, angrily stroking his beard. "You just had to give him this city, didn't you? I mean, what kind of idiot invites someone like Lu Bu over for tea and rice cakes!"

"Hey, you're one to talk Mister 'oh let me leave Yan Province unguarded while I go pick on a poor elderly man!'"

"Now just one minute," Cao Cao glared at Liu Bei. "Tao Qian's soldiers killed my father. My father damn it! And when I ask for an explanation, you know what he wrote?"

"Ugh." Liu Bei, lowered his head. "I propose we blow it up?"

"Exactly! Now how am I supposed to react to that?"

"I guess you're right. I know what it's like to lose a father. But to be fair, you killed a lot of innocent people."

"Pft." Cao Cao sneered and muttered, "They'll respawn in the next battle, pansy."

"Huh?"

"Nothing." A soldier ran up to them and bowed.

"Yes, what is it?" asked Liu Bei. The soldier just stood there silently.

"What is it?" repeated Liu Bei.

"Don't bother." said Cao Cao. "This is one of the statue soldiers, he can't talk. Or even fight very well. I think the battle preparations are starting, correct?" The soldier nodded his head.

"Battles always fill me with excitement." Liu Bei smiled. 'And several other emotions…'

"Yeah, I'm feeling really pumped. Totally ready." Cao Cao scratched his head, wondering why his musou wasn't reacting to the coming battle. He hoped it wasn't a bad sign of things to come. "Let's go."

As the two heroes rode towards the battlefield they were greeted with an interesting sight: a stunningly beautiful warrior holding their entire army at bay as she performed an elaborate dance.

"Oh wow!" yelled a soldier.

"God damn!"

"Boobies!"

"Come here, baby. I got a big sword waiting for ya." leered Xiahou Dun, pushing to the head of the army.

"He's sure got an eye for quality." murmured Guo Jia, his own musou growing exponentially.

"No thanks, uniball." mocked Diao Chan with a wave of her mace, "I prefer my men with a full set."

Xiahou Dun, having recently lost his left eye, fumed at the insults. His remaining eye glowed red with rage.

"Guo Jia, I swear if my sword wasn't friendly-kill proof…Argh!" Guo Jia scuttered away as he swung his sword. Xiahou Dun turned back to his opponent. "I'll just have to take my rock hard musou out on you instead!"

Diao Chan smirked, "Be gentle, I've never been with a cyclops before."

"Ahhh!" Xiahou Dun charged blindly and fell victim to his new blind spot.

"I must withdraw!" he cried, furious at having been defeated so easily.

"Ta ta, uniball."

"Blow me!" yelled Xiahou Dun from purgatory.

"Now, who's next?" Diao Chan turned to the newly arrived generals.

"That would be me!" announced Liu Bei, eagerly dismounting his horse and running to her.

"Like hell it is!" Cao Cao pushed him out of the way. "You want a man with more experience." Leaning towards her he whispered. "And a legendary musou!"

"Oh my." She blushed.

"Hey, I happen to be the lord of this land." said Liu Bei, undeterred.

"And what a great job you've done." said Cao Cao with obvious sarcasm.

"Yeah, Lord Lu Bu threw you out of your own castle. Your musou must be smaller than Tao Qian's! Go play with the soldiers micro boy." She assumed a battle stance. "The grownups are busy."

"Yeah, get lost sandal maker." Cao Cao drew his sword.

"Fine… I'll just go blow something up!" Liu Bei ran away in tears.

"Let's do this." said Diao Chan with a smile.

'Oh god, I don't think I've ever been this pumped before.' thought Cao Cao. 'I feel like my musou gauge has grown tenfold!'

Diao Chan began to perform an elaborate dance, designed to make any man fall in love with her on sight. However, to her surprise, the Hero of Chaos seemed unfazed by her antics.

"How is this possible?" she asked, stopping herself in mid dance. "You're not a eunuch are you?"

"No, that was just grandpa."

"Then how…?"

"Uhh, let's just say the ride here was rougher than expected and leave it at that." said Cao Cao, hiding his flustered face with one hand. Although his musou gauge had grown from all his battles it now took a longer time to fill. And only now did he realize that his performance would not be as "legendary" as he had promised.

Suddenly, a mace to the face snapped him back to reality as he went flying. Jumping back to his feet he felt the severe damage to his health and decided he would have to act fast. Focusing his mind at the task at hand he planted his feet firmly in the ground and began to stimulate his musou, gradually working to fill his gauge. The task was not too difficult for the Lord of Chaos as the lovely Diao Chan charged at him, her chest bouncing in the air, he had all the motivation he would ever need.

"Time to finish this!" Diao Chan swung a fatal blow.

"Come on, come on, almost." He felt his heart beat faster and his entire body began to glow. "Hell yes!"

Cao Cao stopped her in mid attack as his legendary musou erupted. His sword moved out of its own volition, slapping her in the face, bouncing off her chest, jiggling her thighs. The legendary glow fell like burning embers all over her face and body. For what seemed like an eternity, Cao Cao felt himself in nirvana. When the last drop of musou left his body he found himself towering over the crumpled body of Diao Chan.

Realizing what he had done, he leaned over her and asked, "How was it?"

"I-I…so much came out. H-how?"

"Like I told you. LEGENDARY musou." Diao Chan smiled as she disappeared into purgatory.

"My ambition cannot be stopped!" said Cao Cao, a proud look on his face. With this latest feat of musouliness he now stood a head above the rest.

_Meanwhile in Xia Pi City…_

"Shmervant! Gring me more wine!" Lu Bu leaned back drunkenly in his chair. His head pounding from the compound effect of four consecutive hangovers.

"Here you are, my lord." The servant gave him a massive container.

"Blank you." Lu Bu drained the container like it was nothing. "Mooore!"

"Yes, my lord." The servant scurried away.

"Tsk tsk. The greatest warrior in all of China, a slave to a bottle of wine." said a voice.

"Hruh? Gwhat did you julst say?" Lu Bu turned his head and through his drunken haze saw an old man with a long white mustache, white beard, and equally white clothes, surrounded by magical floating cards.

"I said, the greatest–"

"Blackjack?" Lu Bu scratched his head.

"Oh no, mighty warrior. These cards aid me in battle and can help me to–"

"Who arm you?" asked Lu Bu.

"I am Zuo Ci, master of the dark arts and–"

A servant interrupted him, as he rushed into the room and handed Lu Bu a fresh pot of wine. Lu Bu drained it, and finally feeling the effects of all the booze became completely shitfaced.

"Bragharagha smgh. Havara hijitata?"

"What did he say?" asked Zuo Ci.

"Gravabarga shtakakananana!"

"I don't know." replied the servant. Then, as if struck by lightning, he ran off saying. "I have an idea."

Within moments he returned with a soldier who was also drunk–though to a lesser degree than Lu Bu.

"Why did you bring him?" asked Zuo Ci.

"He'll translate. So you were saying?"

"Uh, I wanted to say that Lu Bu has a lot of potential." began Zuo Ci.

"Bramagan shwag, Lur Brlag pojet blarawag." translated the soldier.

"And it's a shame to see him wasting away drinking when he could rule this land." finished Zuo Ci.

"Amaga shmaga tootoo semag wasga draka moogoo googoo."

Lu Bu glared at Zuo Ci, his rage clearing the booze out of his head. "I can stop drinking any time I want! And who are you to criticize me?"

"He said, I can stop drinking–" began the soldier.

"Yes, I heard." said Zuo Ci. "I'm only telling you this for your own good. The more you drink, the smaller your musou will grow."

"W-what did you say?" asked Lu Bu aghast.

"Yep, I reckon it's smaller than Yuan Shu's at this point." said Zuo Ci thoughtfully. "Maybe even Tao Qian's."

"Ahhh! I'll kill you!" Lu Bu slashed at him with his nearby sky piercer but Zuo Ci teleported away calling out,

"So long tiny."

Lu Bu pushed the servant out of the way and went out into the courtyard. Walking to the supply depot he chained the doors shut and locked them.

"From now on," he ordered, his eyes glaring at his mostly drunken troops. "No more booze. We've become a rabble unworthy of being called an army. Any man seen drinking will be severely punished!"

"Yes, sir!" said the unusually vocal troops

"Good. I'm gonna take a nap nearby, just in case any of you get any ideas." said Lu Bu before collapsing on the ground–at last succumbing to the effects of the alcohol.

"Who needs wine anyway?" said a soldier with a wave.

"Yea, that stuff tastes terrible." voiced another.

"This isn't even a problem."

The soldiers looked at eachother, paused for a moment, then ran to the supply depot. Within seconds they were banging on the doors, slashing at the walls with their weapons, and trying futilely to climb in through the roof.

"This is hopeless." said one of the drunken Guard Captains. "We need to bust open that door. Someone find a battering ram!"

"Found one!" said another.

The soldiers lifted up the "battering ram" and smashed it headfirst into the doors. Perhaps it was their drunkenness, or maybe they were preoccupied with the task at hand, but through their excitement they failed to realize just what they were smashing the doors with.

"Again!" The soldiers smashed the battering ram into the doors.

"Again!" The doors shifted somewhat.

"Again!" The door hinges began to give way.

"Again!" The doors collapsed and the soldiers unceremoniously dropped the ram in the mud and ran into the depot. As the soldiers drank their fill of wine the "ram" shifted in his sleep.

"From now on…" Lu Bu snored before finishing his train of thought, "…no more booze."

_Cao Cao's Headquarters_

"So how are we gonna handle Lu Bu?" asked Zhang Fei with a puzzled look on his face.

"Yea, this siege is taking forever." added Guan Yu.

Cao Cao stroked his beard, "No worries. I have a plan."

"Really?" asked Xun You. "What is it, sire?"

"A strategy. I call it: Peepee on Xia Pi!" Cao Cao beamed. "We divert the Yi and Si rivers to flood that bitch into submission!"

"Brilliant!" exclaimed Guo Jia.

"Yeah, that beats the hell out of my plan: Poopoo on Lu Bu." said Liu Bei dejectedly.

Guan Yu put his hand on his shoulder, "I think your plan was good."

"Yea, only mine was better." Cao Cao smirked.

"Shutup you doodey head!" cursed Liu Bei.

"Booger face!" retorted Cao Cao.

"Butt licker!"

"Bed wetter!"

"Snot eater!"

"Enough!" cried Zhang Fei. "This is a military meeting for god's sake!" Liu Bei and Cao Cao looked at eachother, then looked away.

"Fart sniffer." muttered Cao Cao.

_Back at Xia Pi City…_

Lu Bu awoked as water splashed his face. Rising to his feet he clutched his head in agony. "Damn, what a headache! Fucking hangovers, I hope it doesn't rain today."

A wall of water slammed into him as the entire city was flooded. Lu Bu broke the surface and whistled for his famous mount, Diao Chan, who in turn called for his steed, Zhang Liao, who in turn summoned his horse, the Red Hare. Lu Bu swam against the current before the faithful animal came to his side. Raising himself into the saddle he urged the Red Hare up the stairs and onto the battlements from where he saw the enemy army advancing.

"Ding dong Chen Gong!" called Guo Jia as his archers fired a volley.

"Chen Gong!" Lu Bu barked, slashing away the arrows with his spear. His advisor came to him hurriedly. "What is your council?"

"I propose we counterattack, sir. It will raise our troops' moral and score us a solid victory."

"Very well. Zhang Liao, Diao Chan, follow me!" The trio jumped over the wall and the battle began.

"Can anyone provide me with a decent challenge?" cried Lu Bu as he skewered Guo Jia.

Setting his sights on Han Hao, he ran over the unfortunate officer with his horse. "Can anyone provide me with a decent challenge?"

Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan, and Xun You rode against him together. Unfortunately the unstoppable juggernaut's musou was full to bursting. Within moments they were gone. "Can anyone provide me with a decent challenge? Can anyone provide me with a decent challenge? Can anyone fucking provide me with a fucking decent challenge?"

"This is looking pretty bad, Cao Cao." muttered Liu Bei. "He's 'decently challenged' most of our officers. Do you have a plan B?"

"Uhhh…sure. Yea. Of course. I'm the Hero of Chaos. I always have a plan B…"

"Tsk tsk, honesty was never your strong suit." said a voice. Turning around Cao Cao saw an old man with white hair walking towards them.

"And who the hell asked you?" spat Cao Cao.

"No one asked me. I simply told you. I'm Zuo Ci after all." The old man smiled.

"Zuo Ci?" said Liu Bei in awe. "The famous dark arts master and sage?"

"The what?" Cao Cao scratched his head.

"Ah yes, Liu Bei. Well known for your brains and your kindness." Zuo Ci stroked his mustache. "Pity your musou guage doesn't match your other talents."

Liu Bei's face went red. "What did you say old man?"

"Hey, that's my brother you're talking about!" seethed Guan Yu.

"Ah yes, Yunchang, the bearded menace. Sure you look impressive, but your battle style and combos leave much to be desired."

"Why you–" Zhang Fei gripped his spear.

"And Zhang Fei…well the only thing you're good for is changing Tao Qian's diapers." Zuo Ci sighed. "I guess I'll never find a suitable warri–"

Guan Yu grabbed him by the mustache. "I got him!" The four of them surrounded the sorcerer.

"N-now now, let's not be hasty." said Zuo Ci nervously.

Lu Bu rode up to them. He was about to slaughter everyone before his eyes caught sight of Zuo Ci.

"Well well well. Look what the cat coughed up." Glaring at the others he said, "I'm calling a temporary truce. In exchange I want a piece of that geezer."

"Certainly, but I'm going first." Cao Cao drew his sword.

"Hold on there! Wait a second." Zuo Ci's eyes widened. "I-I was just trying to find the hero of this era! Wait! Wait!"

As the mutilated body disappeared into purgatory Liu Bei muttered, "He won't be back in any of the sequels."

"Amen to that." said Lu Bu. "Hey, I know this whole truce thing is temporary, but anyone wanna have a drink? I mean we're always killing each other, how often do we get to sit down and have a good time?"

"I hear that." said Guan Yu.

"Let's hit the supply depot!" ordered Cao Cao.

"I'll get the battering ram!" said a soldier.

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><p>After Zuo Ci was successfully pwnd and the binge drinking was finished, the battle resumed. With the combined efforts of Liu Bei, his brothers, and Cao Cao, as well as the betrayal of Lu Bu's generals, the greatest warrior in all of china was brought in bound. Cao Cao thought to spare Lu Bu, but acting under Liu Bei's advice he had the monster executed.<p>

From there, he freed many of Lu Bu's officers and took them under his wing. Zhang Liao in particular showed great potential. And as for Diao Chan, although she lost a man with a huge musou, she found another whose gauge was legendary…

"Oh wow, I've never battled like that before." said Diao Chan breathlessly as she fell to the ground beside the Hero of Chaos.

"Yea, me too." Cao Cao panted. "I don't think my musou has ever felt this way."

"Mmm yea, mine too."

"So what do we do now?" asked Cao Cao.

"You know… why don't we forget the metaphors and just have sex?" Cao Cao's eyes grew wide.

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><p><strong>Review!<strong>


	4. Wuhoo! Yuan Shu?

**A/N: Sorry for the huge delay in updating. College work is killer. Hope this chapter will be worth the wait!**

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><p><strong>Conquest of Wu<strong>

As the warlord Cao Cao battled it out in the North, a new force was rising in the South. Sun Jian, the Tiger of Jiangdong, having obtained the Imperial Seal from the ruined capital of Luo Yang had planned to use it to obtain great power. However, before he could make his vision a reality, he was killed by Liu Biao's soldiers. His young son, Sun Ce, took up his father's mantle, traded the Imperial Seal with Yuan Shu for an army, and began his conquest of Wu. And so the armies of the Sun family marched on their first target, the rich land of Wu, ruled by Liu Yao and a few minor warlords.

The ground shook as the column of troops trudged along the soft southern soil of Wu. As the army of Sun Ce made its way along the long and arduous road the soldiers began to sing.

"For a long time we've been marching off to battle!" A mysterious flute began playing along.

"In our thundering herd we feel a lot like cattle." added Huang Gai.

"Like the pounding beat, our aching feet aren't easy to ignore!"

"Hey! Think of instead a girl worth fighting for." leered Zhou Yu.

"Huh?" Sun Ce scratched his head.

"That's what I said, a girl worth fighting for!" Zhou Yu shifted in his saddle. "I want her paler than the  
>moon with eyes that shine like stars!"<p>

"My girl will marvel at my strength, adore my battle scars!" sang Huang Gai.

"I couldn't care less what she'll wear or what she looks like." sang Cheng Pu. "It all depends on–"

"Enough!" Sun Ce screamed.

"Huh-ho!" a rustling came from the bushes as if someone was making an escape and a flute rolled across the road.

Sun Ce glared at his men, "We're soldiers, not Disney characters. No more rip-offs of popular songs!"

"What did he say?" Huang Gai scratched his head.

"I think he wants a man worth fighting for." muttered Cheng Pu.

"I heard that!" Sun Ce scowled. "Since you're all singing, you must be too happy. Well I have a remedy for that. Inspection!"

"Oh balls." Zhou Yu buried his face in his hand, having stowed away three girls in his saddle bag for later.

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's not mine I swear!"

"Quiet!" Sun Ce dismounted and all the officers and men formed an orderly line. Checking the officers he found everything to be satisfactory, Zhou Yu had cleverly hidden the girls in Huang Gai's biceps. Moving on to the ordinary soldiers he paused. Once more in his eyes they all looked identical, same blank faces, same blurry pixilated eyes, same miniscule health bars.

"Oy vey." sighed Sun Ce, taking a shot at the first one in line, praying it was one of the statue ones. "Private…Chong?"

To his dismay the private turned to him and began to speak. "My name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair–"

"Go choke on a cock!" screamed everyone in unison.

"Alright, everyone passed." said Sun Ce, eager to get to the battle. Walking back to his horse he tried several times to mount it but ended up jumping instead. Finally after the tenth time he at last mounted his horse.

"Took ya long enough." Zhou Yu smirked.

"Very funny, so what's the plan?"

"Plan?"

"Yes plan! You're the strategist." growled Sun Ce.

"I thought I was just here to look pretty. I mean look at my perfectly plucked eyebrows!"

"Girly man!" jeered Huang Gai, all the while flexing profusely.

"You're just jealous of my fabulous hair!" Zhou Yu flicked his head to the side to emphasize his point.

Raising an eyebrow Cheng Pu turned to Huang Gai and asked, "So why is this guy our second in command?"

"Because," whispered Huang Gai "He's got a bigger musou than the two of us combined!"

"THAT big?" Cheng Pu's eyes widened.

"Yup, enough even to turn someone like me gay." Cheng Pu slowly inched his horse away from Huang Gai.

"Alright men." Sun Ce began.

"Oh god, not another speech." groaned Zhou Yu.

"As you all know my father is dead."

"We know, we know!"

Sun Ce gave them a death stare "As his eldest son it is my solemn duty to avenge his death by taking over the world."

"Yeah!" screamed an unusually vocal private.

"This bastard Liu Yao rules the land of Wu through tyranny and oppression. We must save the people from his oppressive regime and put them under our own oppressive regime. Are you with me?"

"Yeah!"

"Good." Sun Ce beamed. "So, Zhou Yu, what _is_ our strategy?"

"Huh?" Zhou Yu scratched his head. "What do you mean?"

Sun Ce clenched his fists, "You're the strategist! What's your plan?"

"For what?"

"For conquering Wu!"

"Ohhhh!" Zhou Yu grinned. "I don't have one."

All the other officers sweatdropped off their horses.

"Damn it Zhou Yu!" screamed Sun Ce, as he rubbed his backside. "It's gonna take me forever to get back on that horse!"

Huang Gai stood up and his eyes grew wide, "Oh guys."

"Hey, don't blame this one on me 'Sworn Brother' I never agreed to be strategist!" Zhou Yu glared.

"Guys."

"Common now, let's not fight." said Cheng Pu placatingly.

"Uh, Guys."

"But he started it!" Zhou Yu glared.

"BITCHES!" Everyone turned to Huang Gai.

"What?" they all shouted.

Huang Gai pointed behind them to where all their soldiers were sluggishly charging at a massive enemy army that was just as sluggish. "I think the battle just started."

"Goddamn it!" Sun Ce ran over to his horse, tried to jump on, but failing twice decided to do it on foot. "Attack!"

Sun Ce led the officers in a daring assault on the enemy center. Their tiny army was absurdly outnumbered, and in a real battle they would have been annihilated. But since the enemy soldiers moved as fast as carrots, they had soon cut a large hole through the enemy line. While Huang Gai and Cheng Pu were the largest officers, their efforts were eclipsed by those of the unlikely Zhou Yu.

"Hu! Ha! Ho! Hi!" Zhou Yu slashed through soldier after soldier. "Hi! He! Ho! Hu! Holololo!" One of the enemy soldiers lagged behind a large tree. "Hahahaha!" Zhou Yu casually walked around the tree and spanked the soldier to death with his sword.

Pausing to catch his breath, Zhou Yu shivered with delight, "Ohh baby, nothing stirs my musou quite like killing people. Right, Cheng Pu?"

"Uh, yeah sure. Fucking weirdo." muttered Cheng Pu.

Stabbing the last soldier in his vicinity Zhou Yu sighed. "Oh my, this is a very flaccid ending. I must fill my musou gauge to the fullest!"

Looking up at the upper right-hand corner of the sky, he saw a small map filled with red and blue areas. Finding an area overflowing with red, he immediately ran off in its direction.

Sun Ce, was making excellent progress as well. Stabbing the ridiculously slow guard captain he captured yet another supply base. Unfortunately his health had taken quite a pounding.

Sun Ce's stomach growled. "Man, am I hungry…"

To his surprise and delight a whole roast chicken appeared, magically floating at the center of the base.

"How the hell…oh who cares." He ran up to grab the chicken but as soon as he came up to it, it magically disappeared and his health recovered just as magically."Huh, what the fuck? Who stole my chicken?"

He glared at the soldiers behind him, before singling out and glaring at an officer. "Was it you, Colonel Sanders?"

Before the statue officer had a chance to _not_ respond, a man atop a horse came out of nowhere and ran over Sun Ce.

"Get off my land, you vagina!" Liu Yao shouted as his horse turned around.

A burst of dramatic music was suddenly followed by the words "Liu Yao has appeared!" flashing across the sky.

"No shit he's appeared!" said Sun Ce, as he picked himself up.

"Well now, I see why they call you the little conqueror." Liu Yao smirked. "Your musou is so small I can't even mock it properly."

Sun Ce's face turned red, "It just looks that way because you're up on your horse and I'm not! But I'll soon fix that!" Perking his lips he whistled for his steed, which magically rode up to him instantly.

"Wow, that was fast. The Red Hare's got nothing on you." said Sun Ce proudly.

"So, where were we?" asked Liu Yao.

Managing to somehow mount his horse in one try, Sun Ce replied, "I believe I was about to…."

_Meanwhile…_

Zhou Yu ran as fast as he could towards the red part of the map. His musou ached at the thought of being unleashed upon the enemy and he didn't think he could wait another minute. Spotting a mysterious crate, he slashed at it with his sword. Out of nowhere a pair of boots appeared and disappeared as soon as he came near them.

"Well that was weird…" thought Zhou Yu, but as soon as he took a step he was running at breakneck speeds and he couldn't slow down no matter how hard he tried. "H-h-h-hoooollly shiiiiiiiiiiiiit!"

He zoomed across half the map before finally nearing the red zone. There at last he saw his chance at nirvana. Soldiers, soldiers everywhere as far as the eye could see. And in his eyes they all glowed with a spark of heaven. At that precise moment his superspeed stopped and the slaughter began.

He slashed through one soldier, "Ohhh!" He cut through two others. "Aahhh!" He jumped up and air sliced two others. "Oh fffff–!

"What's with this guy?" muttered a soldier.

"I don't know, but is it just me or is his musou getting bigger?"

"Ohh mama! Ahh! Oooh! Almost! Almost! Alllmost!" By now Zhou Yu had killed almost everyone and only two soldiers remained. Running his hands along his flustered face, Zhou Yu's eyes locked onto them. Panting heavily he ordered. "Stay. Right. There."

The two soldiers looked at eachother, then back to Zhou Yu, and then ran as fast as they could.

"Oh god, why me? Why me?"

"I don't get paid enough for this!"

"Actually we don't get payed at all." The other soldier stopped.

"Well then fuck this sh–" Zhou Yu cut him in half.

"No, Han!" screamed the soldier's companion. But glancing up he saw that he had made a grave mistake in stopping. Zhou Yu's body was now filled with a bright aura and his arms shook with energy. As their eyes met the soldier realized it was over.

Zhou Yu slashed and stabbed and spun and swung and swirled and stomped the soldier's body into nothingness. In his rampage he also managed to pwn both Yan Baihu and Wang Lang, who were apparently important objectives as well. Throughout the entire massacre, Zhou Yu felt nothing but the supreme joy and ecstasy that only an ultimate musou attack could deliver. Nothing in the universe compared to the joy of musou. Especially the joy of having a big one.

_Back to the Little Conqueror_

Sun Ce sighed as the ravaged body of Liu Yao disappeared into purgatory.

"I have defeated an officer." He muttered without any feeling. The fight had been disappointing. He hadn't even filled his musou gauge halfway before it was over. "What a waste of time."

According to the sky, Huang Gai and Cheng Pu had captured the North Camp and the South Watchpost. And according to the objectives he had seen prior, this meant the battle was over.

"I guess we win." said Sun Ce.

Suddenly, a burst of dramatic music and the sky announced "Taishi Ci has appeared!"

"Who the hell is Taishi Ci?" wondered Sun Ce aloud.

"He's the jackass who fights with two metal dildos." replied Cheng Pu, even though he was miles away.

"I have appeared!" announced Taishi Ci as he stepped towards Sun Ce. "And they're not dildos, they're rods!"

"Yeah right!" came the voice of Cheng Pu. "I've heard the stories."

"Th-that was just one time!" said Taishi Ci, his face flustered. "A man gets lonely out in the battlefield by himself and his weapon is his best friend…Arrgh! Don't make me come over there and kill you!"

"Hey, dildo man." Sun Ce raised his tonfa in a battle stance. "I'll be your opponent for now."

"They're not fucking dildos they're giant metal–Arrgh! Forget it!"

He charged blindly at Sun Ce, who easily parried both of his metal dildos, seemingly without moving at all. He allowed Taishi Ci's combo to run out before launching his own, occasionally using stronger attacks to break through Taishi Ci's blocking. To Taishi Ci's horror his health bar was soon down to a minimum.

Preparing for the end he stood before Sun Ce and bravely announced, "Go ahead, kill me. I'm sick of this life. As long as I can remember I've been mocked for my choice of weapons. Dildo man this, and dual wield dildos that. I can't take it anymore! So go ahead, strike! End my miserable life!"

"Okay." Sun Ce knocked him over the head and Taishi Ci disappeared into purgatory.

"What's this? I'm still alive?" he asked.

"Yeah, I guess that means you're an important character or something." said Sun Ce. "But listen, if you join my force I promise you I'll never make fun of you for your weapon choice. And Sun Ce always abides by his promises."

"Y-you really mean that?" asked Taishi Ci in amazement.

"Every word." Sun Ce smiled. "I will, however, make fun of you for your tiny musou."

"Arrgh!" Taishi Ci clenched his teeth, but quickly calmed down. "Fine, I suppose that's fair. It is rather small."

"But hey, I've got news for you. The more battles you win, the bigger it will grow."

"You really think so?" he asked hopefully.

"Of course. Now get out of here, your ass has been defeated."

Collecting the floating experience scroll, Sun Ce smiled, pleased with himself. "The Land of Wu is mine now!" he announced to no one in particular.

"What about Yuan Shu?" asked Huang Gai.

"Fuck him!" he replied. Sun Ce was excited to do the victory dance, but for some reason nothing was happening.

"Hey, Huang Gai did we miss any objectives?" he shouted.

"No, I don't think so. Maybe it's a glitch or–"

A blast of dramatic music interrupted him and the words, "Yuan Shu's Army has appeared" showed up in the sky.

"Yuan Shu?" Sun Ce was flabbergasted. "Why are you here?"

"I heard what you said earlier." replied Yuan Shu, angrily. "I am the Emperor, and this land is mine. Just like everything else is mine. Mine mine mine!"

"But I conquered it entirely on my own!" shouted Sun Ce in protest.

"Hahaha! You? Conquer on your own? Don't make me laugh." He smirked. "You conquered this land only with my divine favor. How could a "little conqueror" like you ever accomplish anything?"

Sun Ce scowled, "Who are you calling little, Yuan Shu? Everyone knows you have the smallest musou in China now that Tao Qian is dead."

"And good riddance!" came the voice of Zhang Fei.

Yet another blast of dramatic music sounded, followed by the words "Liu Bei's Army has appeared" in the sky.

"If I had to change one more diaper I would have killed myself!"

"Now now, Zhang Fei." said Guan Yu. "You shouldn't talk about a great man like that."

"Great man? For the past few years every sentence he said ended with the words 'blow it up'!"

"Come on you two, knock it off." Liu Bei interrupted. "Don't forget, we're here to kick Yuan Shu's ass!"

"Hahaha! You dare challenge me? The Emperor?" Yuan Shu's eyes narrowed. "I command the sky to send lightning to kill you! Haha!"

Nothing happened.

The three brothers looked at one another. "Is he nuts?" muttered Guan Yu.

"I heard that!" he shouted. "I'm not crazy I'm the Emperor. I invented gravity! And the sky! And water! I am the ultimate being! You shall not challenge me! Attack my soldiers! Charge them! Kill them! Let none of them survive! I want their heads! And their beards! I want their bearded heads!"

Yuan Shu continued to rant and flail his arms around wildly, not realizing that he was completely alone as his army had deserted him many months ago. Despite his crazy outbursts no one payed any attention. Sun Ce's army and Liu Bei's army happily stood there like statues, waiting for the timer to run out.

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><p><strong>I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. Coming up next, is the epic Battle of Guandu. Review if you've enjoyed the story so far!<strong>


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